Parody Of A Time Lord
by Margaret Price
Summary: A parody of the Sixth Doctor's infamous trial. A round robin I participated in. Chapters by other authors reprinted with permission. 6th Doctor and anyone else we could think of.
1. Chapters 1 thru 3

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is actually a colaboration. A round robin started on the Teaspoon site by Emmaliza and her sister Jessie Wings, who have graciously given their permission for me to publish thier portions here. I have combined the first three chapters, which are theirs, after which I stepped into the mix, later added and abetted by Tim, who has yet to give permission to reprint his entries. If he does so, I will be adding them later. -- Margaret

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**CHAPTER ONE -- EMMALIZA'S AUTHOR'S NOTES:**

This one was co-written with my sister because she is funnier than I am... but don't tell me so... (This is not true...)

* * *

**Chapter 1: And the parody begins... **

**Parody of a Time Lord  
Episode One**

(WE ARE FLYING THROUGH SPACE. WE SEE A SHIP/CITY-LOOKING THINGOMABOB. WE SEE A BLUE POLICE BOX LAND ON SHIP/CITY THING)

-NEW SCENE-

(A MAN WALKS INTO A LARGE ROOM. HE IS WEARING A STUPID COAT. HE IS THE DOCTOR)

Doctor: Why am I here? Is it a conspiracy by my many enemies to destroy me? It is, ain't it?

(WE SEE A WOMAN. SHE IS THE INQUISITOR. WE CAN'T SEE HER HAIR.)

Inquisitor: Nope. It far more important, and if the author gets her way, it will lead to me storming out a lot.

Doctor: So... What is it? (THE DOCTOR VERY MUCH WANTS TO KNOW WHAT IT IS.)

Inquisitor: You get to spend a season, a whole season, having a TRIAL! Ain't that exciting?

Doctor: Not really... No...

Inquisitor:( damn it.

(WE SEE A MAN DRESSED IN BLACK. WE ALSO CAN'T SEE HIS HAIR. NOT THAT THAT'S OF ANY IMPORTANCE. HE IS THE VALEYARD.)

Valeyard: Whatever. I'm the odd prosecution, of which you shall never remember the name of, and fight with until we drive the Inquisitor mad! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Doctor: XD Alright...

Inquisitor: (THE INQUISITOR IS SUDDENLY SCARED.) Maybe we should get on with the actual trial?

Valeyard: Oh yeah... (THE VALEYARD PICKS UP A REMOTE. HE PRESSES THE PLAY BUTTON.)

(A VIDEO STARTS. VIDEO SHOWS THE DOCTOR AND PERI WALKING IN A RATHER BARE FOREST. IT'S RAINING. I HAVE NO IDEA IF THAT'S IMPORTANT OR NOT. UM...)

Peri: Doctor, it's raining. I don't like rain. Why are we in November Earth anyway?  
Doctor: 1: I don't care if you like rain, I like it so HA, ƃ2: We're not on November Earth. We're on Ravalox, which is really Earth, but we're not supposed to know that yet so, shhhhhhh.

Peri: Oo

Doctor: XDDD

Peri: Are we on November Ravalox?

Doctor: Yes.

Peri: And Ravalox is Earth?

Doctor: Yes.

Peri: So we're on November Earth?

Doctor: No.

Peri: ...why not?

Doctor: Because we don't know it's Earth yet! D

Peri: ... You do...

Doctor: X( Shut up.

Peri: HOMIGAWD YOU SAID "SHUT UP" I AM SO HAPPY. :o)

Doctor: ...?

Peri:9

Doctor: ...I never knew you had a mustache...

Peri: Oh yeah. :9

(WE ARE BACK IN CORTROOM. GOOD THING TOO. I GUESS MY SISTER IS CRAZY TOO)

Doctor: ... What the...?

Inquisitor: How should we know?

Valeyard: Don't you just love my evidence:P

(WE RETURN TO THE COURTROOM)

Valeyard: Hahahahahahahaha...

Doctor & Inquisitor: oO  
Valeyard: Um.

Inquisitor: Valeyard, if you don't have any actual evidence I am going to have to fire you...

Doctor: ...who's the back-up valeyard?

Inquisitor: K9.

Doctor: O Why?

Inquisitor: ... Um. I have no idea.

Doctor: I want K9 as my prosecutor:(

Inquisitor: ...Why?

Doctor: 'Cause he'll go easy on me. D

Inquisitor: Er. That is not a valid reason...

Doctor: ( K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9!

Valeyard: K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9!

Inquisitor: Are you resigning, Valeyard?

Valeyard: No.

Inquisitor: Then why did you chant "K9!"?

Valeyard: It's a cool name. (

(COURTROOM)

Inquisitor: ARGH NO I GIVE UP YOU STUPID TIME LORDS.

(THE SCENE FADES TO BLACK.)

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER 2 -- EMMALIZA'S AUTHOR'S NOTES: **

XDDD This one was fully written by me... Also, don't lsten to the author's note last chapter, Jess was writing that.

* * *

**Parody of a Time Lord  
Episode Two.**

Doctor: Um... What did we do?

Inquisitor: (THE INQUISITOR IS HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN.)

ARHFARKDSYGFGHFZVFJHGJGHHFDKJHFBHZ- FBHBDZKBHDFJAKDVGAAGKKE!

Valeyard: Um... What do we do now?

Doctor: I dunno... Maybe the author should add "Valeyard" to her computer's dictionary.

Author: Good Idea. (THE AUTHOR DOES THAT. OR SO SHE WILL ONCE SHE'S FINNISHED TYPING THIS ACTION.)

Doctor: ... Who the hell are you? Where are you from?

Author: ZOMG STALKER! (THE AUTHOR SPAZZES OUT)

Inquisitor: (THE INQUISITOR HAS RECOVERED FROM HER MENTAL BREAKDOWN.) Uh... Continuing on?

(EVIDENCE)

(WE SEE A MIDDLE AGED MAN. HE'S GLITZ. HE'S SINGING. WHY I DO NOT KNOW. JUST... ROLL WITH IT, 'KAY?)

Glitz: I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken ho-

(WE SEE A YOUNGER MAN. THIS IS DIBBER. WHAT KIND OF A PARENT NAMES THEY'RE KID "DIBBER" ANYWAY?)

Dibber: Yeah, I've heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.

Glitz: B-b-but... I want to sing my song!

Dibber: BUT I HATE IT!

Glitz: And I hate competition.

Dibber: Oo What does that have to do with anything?

Glitz: (GLITZ IS SINGING AGAIN.) I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home. I'm from a broken home, I'm from a broken home.

Dibber: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (DIBBER COLAPPES, AND DIES TO THE BEST OF MY KNOLEDGE, BUT THAT'S DOUBTFUL SO... YEAH. DON'T LISTEN TO ME PEOPLES!)

(BACK IN THE COURTROOM)

Valeyard: Poor Dibber.

Inquisitor: FINALLY! ONE OF YOU SAID SOMETHING SANE! I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- EEEEEEEEE!

Author: (THE AUTHOR DRAGS THE INQUISITOR TO A MENTAL INSTITUTION. I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD THOSE ON GALLIFREY. YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERYDAY.)

Valeyard: Now what do we do?

Doctor: I don't know.

(THE INQUISITOR HAS ESCAPED FROM HER MENTAL INSTITUTION. HOW I DO NOT KNOW. DOES IT REALLY MATTER?)

Inquisitor: Continuing on...

(NEW SCENE IN EVIDENCE)

(THE DOCTOR AND PERI ARE RUNNING THROUGH A CAVE)

Peri: ZOMG there's a sign that says "Marble Arch" I've got to be sad now D: (PERI CRIES)

Doctor: Shuddup Peri, I'm trying to find something suspicious so this adventure will be slightly entertaining.

Peri: (PERI IS STILL CRYING)

Doctor: Peri!

Peri: (PERI IS STILL CRYING)

Doctor: Cry-baby.

Peri: I AM NOT!

Doctor: XP You are.

Peri:-(

(BACK IN THE COURTROOM)

Inquisitor: What the hell is wrong with you & Peri?

Doctor: I don't know. I've got amnesia.

Valeyard: Oo You have?

Doctor: ... Yes.

* * *

**CHAPTER 2 -- JESSIE WINGS' AUTHOR'S NOTES:**

Yes, I am back... to add a chapter of my own! D In my own account! (is Emma's sister)

* * *

Chapter 3: Headpoundingonkeyboard Inquisitor: ...

Doctor: Um.

Inquisitor: Sorry.

Doctor: ...?

Inquisitor: I've got the funniest feeling that—

Valeyard: I LOVE BLACK LOOK AT MY COOL OUTFIT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Doctor & Inquisitor: ...

Doctor: It's ugly.

Valeyard: ( Zomg bully.

Doctor: I AM NOT A BULLY YOU STUPID VILLAIN.

Valeyard: ...? Yes you are...

Doctor: Prove it.

(WE CUT TO THE EVIDENCE)

Peri: ( Zomg bully.

(WE CUT TO THE COURTROOM)

Doctor: Um. Ah.

Valeyard: 3

Inquisitor: I have the funniest feeling that that's the best piece of evidence we've seen so far...  
Valeyard: D So my job is saved?

Inquisitor: ...yes.

Valeyard: D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D

Inquisitor: Hm.

Doctor: I want K9...

Valeyard: Zomg bully. TT

Doctor: I AM NOT A BULLY.

Valeyard: Yes you are...

Doctor: Prove it.

(WE CUT TO ANOTHER PIECE OF EVIDENCE, THIS TIME SET ON A CORRIDOR ON A PASSENGER SPACE SHIP)

Mel: ( Zomg bully.

(WE CUT TO THE COURTROOM)

Doctor: ...who?

Valeyard: You forgot your own companion's name? D

Doctor: I've never met her before...

Valeyard: SEE HOW CARELESS HE IS! ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (

Inquisitor: Er. Okay.

Doctor: XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP XP

Valeyard: Bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully bully...

Doctor: I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you—

Inquisitor: ZAH SHUT UP.

Doctor: Zah...?

Valeyard: ZOMG ZAH. 3333333

Doctor: Do you know what it means?

Valeyard: ...no...

Doctor: I see. Inquisitor?

Inquisitor: It means you are all lunatics trying to drive me MAD.

Doctor: Er. I think the author wants us to...

Inquisitor: D Nuuuu!

Doctor: I know.

Inquisitor: I DO NOT WANT TO GO MAD.

Doctor: Nor do most people, I believe...

Valeyard: ZOMG PEOPLE. 33333333333333333 That's nearly as good as... peoples... 3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

Doctor: ARGH NO NOT BAD GRAMMAR!

Valeyard: ...?

Doctor: JUYKNUIMKJD GUJIU AR YJTRS YRUIN FD TAERH U KER KLIUHGDF JKTFVD FNYHSA JNU JHE HYYHHT HGFHBUYHGSDRBJ FYBYTF TTY GRE

Inquisitor: Oh, I see! You would like the Valeyard to attend English classes and have K9 run your case in the meantime!

Doctor: O You can speak Headpoundingonkeyboard?

Inquisitor: Of course. It was my best subject.

Doctor: D Mine too!

Valeyard: ...I failed it... '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '( '(

Doctor: ...That explains a lot...

Valeyard: I only passed it with 51 on the second attempt...

Doctor: Zomg, me too! Only... with every other class... ?

Inquisitor: Wait a minute. I was reading the script and—

Doctor: O There's a script?

Inquisitor: Yes.

Doctor: CONSPIRACY!

Valeyard: CONSPIRACY!

Doctor: ...

Valeyard: ... It's nearly as good as pirate...

Inquisitor: UNYBHVRSTU JRT UNKVTR HTY KNHLJHG OIJ GFHGA T HNLINFD YHDRVWS G HU HTR IKGF GTR SG AREUJMKNBFD BYEA TFG JUGD FYHGW JH MUJE YBRRWEC GYYMIGFX RTDYTGF RFAREDFG TY

Doctor: Oh, I see. You're wondering how the Valeyard got employed in the first place...

Valeyard: I offed all the other candidates.

Inquisitor: It's a good thing I don't understand that Earth expression, or else I'd probably have to fire you.

Valeyard: ...then I can off all the candidates again...

Inquisitor?

Doctor: Zomg nu K9! '(

Valeyard: K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9! K9!

Inquisitor: JYM G JUY HTRIKUYH IP LG JY JH ATA RJYUK SF YNUN AKL JBGR TGAJM YLM NFD TRTFGJMI YGATFJ GHUK NAE Y NS IMLIJNB TTYHMNARU JMN T

Valeyard: Erm. "We have been waiting for the train at Caulfield station for seven minutes now"?

Inquisitor: No.

Valeyard: Um.

Inquisitor: I would like you to continue with the evidence.

Valeyard: OH COOL. D

(WE HEAD BACK TO THE EVIDENCE. DOCTOR AND PERI ARE EXAMINING THE "MARBLE ARCH" SIGNY THING...)

Peri: I love kittens. 3333333333333333

Doctor: That was random...

Peri: I don't know if you've noticed, Doctor, but I am random.

Doctor?

Peri: Well, think about my name. How random is "Perpugilliam"?

Doctor: It's not as long as Romanadvoratrelundar...

Peri: OO That's random...

Doctor: Actually it's an ancient Gallifreyan name...

Peri: Same difference...

Doctor: Actually there's quite a large difference.

Peri: But all ancient Gallifreyan names are random...

Doctor: I sure am glad no Gallifreyan except I heard that...

(BACK IN THE COURTROOM)

Inquisitor: ZOMG SHE INSULTS GALLIFREYAN NAMES!

Valeyard: I love kittens... 3333333333333

Doctor: That was random...

Valeyard: I don't know if you've noticed, Doctor, but I am random.

Doctor: I'm feeling a wave of deja vu coming on...

Inquisitor: JYTBJY HGI TRJKTYT BTGQ KJM LY HG GER HARE UJYGF GTRIKIKJTRT FBYU JT IKT YATRY HYT IKIJHTR JAEY GNM UJHSTR UJTR UTR Y RH WTH UJH U

Valeyard: You hate kittens? D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D

Inquisitor: No.

Doctor: She called lunch break.

Valeyard: But it's three a.m...

Doctor: Is it?

Valeyard: ...I don't know...

Inquisitor: Actually there's no time here because we're on a spaceship...

Doctor: Good point...

Valeyard: ZOMG POINTY! D I love injections... 33333333333333333

Doctor: Interesting.

Inquisitor: Exceedingly.

Valeyard: Let's sing the injections song!

Doctor & Inquisitor: ...

Valeyard: Injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool, injections are cool, injections are cool, injections are cooley cooley cool—

Inquisitor: KYTBYH DUYNH YTJTR HDYUJSRT KJTR KJSRET JNBR JREK HYTKJSRTIKYT YHYT YHSJ RE UKGIK MHGF TSR T YTJH KMN JMNGF JMF TNSRD RA STHGJKJNBJM IOKJNBHBDF FDXF UJMHBV G BGVCTGRTYHJNYU H KIJB JMNTFUJHSTR YHAG S KNUY LM NIK MH GF FGVCGHNKIUJHHBTGHHARFCB GHJHR EGH KMNTKNBRE HBVE UJNFD JHGF KIJYG ZDFC RFRFC UYHNBVGJY JNBV NB HV RTGVBTHG YHNB UIJN UIJKMNHBV TGF GRTFGB GHFNNTYHJ NTY HJNRTGFNB BJYHMNG B KJNGBNKUJMHNG NYJHMCGNF BN KJ HNGFH B KJGN J NG HBTJ

Valeyard: ...what did she say?

Doctor: It vaguely translates as, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH".

Valeyard: ZOMG I LOVE SCREAMING.

Doctor: ...I see...

Inquisitor: LUNCHBREAK! LUUUUUUUUUUUNCHBREEEEEAK! D

Valeyard: I love lunch too...

(AND SO OUR THREE COURTROOM WEIRDOS LEAVE TO HAVE LUNCH.)


	2. Part 42 by Me

**CHAPTER 4 -- MARGARET'S AUTHOR'S NOTES: **

Here is my cracked out contribution, which contains a bad word or two.

**

* * *

**

**GRAMMAR POLICE  
PART 42  
BECAUSE IT'S THE ANSWER TO LIVE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING**

**THE THREE COURTROOM WEIRDOES RETURN FROM LUNCH.  
**(y'know, 'cause that's where they were at the end of the last chapter 'n stuff.)

INQUISITOR: Okay, we need to get serious here.

VALEYARD: Why?

DOCTOR: Because this is supposed to be my trial, you great boob!

VALEYARD: (whining) Inquisitor, he called me a boob.

INQUISITOR: It's high time somebody did, you boob.

**SUDDENLY TWO MEN DRESSED IN BLACK POLICE UNIFORMS STORM INTO THE COURTROOM.**

OFFICER ONE: Stop everything!

OFFICER TWO: Cease and desist!

INQUISITOR: Who the hell are you lot?

OFFICERS IN UNISON: We're the Grammar Police!

DOCTOR: About time!

OFFICER ONE: Belt up, Curly.

DOCTOR: (insulted) Curly!

RANDOM PERSON IN RED: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

INQUISITOR: You're in the wrong show. That's Monty Python. This is Doctor Who.

RANDOM PERSON IN RED: Oh, sorry.

**RANDOM PERSON IN RED EXITS. **

**OFFICER TWO PULLS OUT BOOK AND STARTS WRITING TICKETS.**

OFFICER ONE: Oi! Authors, front and center.

**EMMA AND JESSIE APPEAR IN THE PRISONER'S DOCK**

EMMA: Oh, cool! We're in a Doctor Who!

JESSIE: Do we have to scream and wear skimpy outfits?

OFFICER ONE: Quiet!

INQUISITOR: Order, please!

DOCTOR: We just had lunch, for pity sake. You can't be hungry already.

INQUISITOR: Doctor, you can really be a jerk, y'know?

OFFICER TWO: Should I make a note of that one, sir?

OFFICER ONE: No, we can't ticket this author. She has Diplomatic Immunity.

OFFICER TWO: Damn. (Tears up ticket)

**OFFICER ONE POINTS TO FIRST THREE CHAPTERS OF CURRENT FIC.**

OFFICER ONE: Are you two responsible for this?

EMMA: Yeah!

JESSIE: Who want's to know?

EMMA: It has our names on it.

JESSIE: I want to stay on camera longer.

EMMA: This is a text story.

JESSIE: Spoil sport.

INQUISITOR: Ladies, please.

VALEYARD: Bitch.

**JESSIE SLAPS THE VALEYARD.**

JESSIE: I've always wanted to do that.

EMMA: Let me have a go.

**EMMA SLAPS THE VALEYARD.**

EMMA: Hey, that was fun.

VALEYARD: I object!

DOCTOR: Well, I don't. Smack him again.

OFFICER ONE: If we could get on.

DOCTOR: Oh, if you must.

**OFFICER ONE POINTS AT EMMA.**

OFFICER ONE: You are charged with overuse of the Caps Lock key, using Text Speak in the body of a story, over indulgence in K-9 love, overuse of nonsensical typing—

EMMA: That was Jessie's fault.

JESSIE: Was not.

EMMA: Was so.

JESSIE: Not.

EMMA: So!

JESSIE: Not!

EMMA: So! So there! (Sticks out tongue.)

OFFICER ONE: Add that to the charges, please Officer Two. Excessive juvenile behavior.

OFFICER TWO: Do I get a name?

OFFICER ONE: No.

EMMA: Why are you charging that to us? We didn't write it?

OFFICER ONE: This author has—

JESSIE: Diplomatic Immunity. Yeah, we heard. (Looks up and shakes fist.) Bitch!

MARGARET: Ha ha!

OFFICER ONE: That will be enough out of you. You are charged with—

EMMA: Does that mean you've finished with me? 'Cause, I want to hang out with the Master.

JESSIE: The Master isn't here yet!

EMMA: I don't care.

DOCTOR: Just get on with this, will you?

OFFICER ONE: I almost forgot about you.

DOCTOR: Me?

OFFICER ONE: Yes. You're charged with excessive pomposity, impersonating a Grammar Police Officer and starting an unauthorized flame war.

DOCTOR: I did not!

**OFFICER ONE PULLS OUT COPY OF "DOCTOR WHO, THE INTERNET, AND FAN FICTION."**

DOCTOR: That is a shameless plug.

MARGARET: It's my chapter.

OFFICER ONE: According to this, you criticized the majority of fan fiction authors, quoted excerpts, and then started a flame war. Did you have the proper permits for this action?

DOCTOR: (goggles) You need a permit to start a flame war now?

**OFFICER TWO LOOKS UP FROM WRITING.**

OFFICER TWO: It's in the fine print of the newly revised Internet Guidelines of 2006.

VALEYARD: Something else to add to the charges!

DOCTOR: Now I object. This episode was filmed in 1986.

VALEYARD: We're Time Lords, so it counts.

INQUISITOR: So noted.

DOCTOR: This is ludicrous!

EMMA: Yeah. Ain't it great?

DOCTOR: (winces) Ain't?

JESSIE: Can you add overbearing to the charges?

DOCTOR: What?

PERI: And loud.

DOCTOR: Where did you come from?

PERI: I've been hiding in your shadow, just like always.

OFFICER ONE: You are charged with improperly using the Queen's English.

PERI: Like I care. I'm an American.

OFFICER TWO: Can we charge her with that, too?

OFFICER ONE. No, this author's an American, too, dammit.

MARGARET: Watch it. I can kill you with a random bolt of lightening.

VALEYARD: Have you finished? We do have a trial to complete.

MARGARET: I wouldn't rush. The trial scenes just interfere with the storylines.

VALEYARD: I beg your pardon?

MARGARET: You heard me, you Perry Mason wannabe.

VALEYARD: Perry Mason?

DOCTOR: You're showing your age.

MARGARET: How would you like to regenerate three stories early? (To Grammar Police) Could you review the charges, please? Just to refresh everyone's memory.

**OFFICER TWO FLIPS THROUGH BOOK**

OFFICER TWO: Let's see, overuse of Caps Lock, Text Speak in story text, disproportionate nonsensical letters, repetitive sentences, occasional misspelling, annoying script style format, unintelligible technobabble and excessive fan!girl squeeing. Yep, that's got it for the authors.

OFFICER ONE: And the Inquisitor?

OFFICER TWO: That falls under the jurisdiction of the Fashion Police, sir.

**OFFICER ONE LOOKS AT THE VALEYARD'S SKULLCAP AND THEN TURNS TO EYE THE DOCTOR'S COAT**

OFFICER ONE: We'll contact them when we leave.

PERI: You haven't seen Glitz's outfit, have you?

OFFICER TWO: I think they'll have their hands full with this lot.

DOCTOR: Cretin.

OFFICER ONE: And this clown?

DOCTOR: (offended) Clown!

OFFICER TWO: Excessive pomposity, unnecessary verbiage, and ridiculous technobabble.

DOCTOR: Don't blame me that last bit on me. Blame the authors!

OFFICER ONE: We did already.

DOCTOR: Oh. Well, that's alright then.

**GRAMMAR POLICE HAND OUT DOZENS OF TICKETS AND EXIT COURTROOM.**

EMMA: That was totally cracked out.

JESSIE: Yeah. We need more crack in this fandom.

MARGARET: Don't look at me. I just did my bit. Let's go find Captain Jack and jump his bones.

EMMA: Can we do that?

JESSIE: It isn't part of the trial.

MARGARET: It's part of my chapter. So there.

**THREE AUTHOR'S LEAVE COURTROOM IN SEARCH OF CAPTAIN JACK.**

DOCTOR: Now can we finally get on with this sham of a trial?

VALEYARD: Sorry. No can do.

DOCTOR: Why the hell not?

VALEYARD: Because this is the end of the chapter.

DOCTOR: Bugger.


	3. Gallifrey Idol by Tim

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Many thanks to Tim for giving his permission for his chapter to be posted here.

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GALLIFREY IDOL by Tim

INQUISITOR: Hang on, we have a new judge arriving!

DOCTOR: Great, maybe we can finally get this farce back on track.

(the door to the court room opens and a familiar man in black enters)

DOCTOR: SIMON COWELL?

(Simon takes his seat at the head of the court room)

INQUISITOR: What is the judgment, Your Honour?

SIMON: This is perfectly dreadful!

DOCTOR: Who me?

SIMON: All of you! This episode is pathetic, my blind grandmother can write better than this crap!

DOCTOR: Now see here you...

SIMON: No, you see here. This is stupid, the writing is stupid, this whole idea is stupid. Whomever wrote this stuff should be banished from television for all time!

(Simon gets up and slams a gavel down)

SIMON: I hearby declare this trial over, because, frankly, I have better things to do with my time.


	4. Idol Threats Averted by Me

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Incase you hadn't noticed, I love a good pun.

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IDOL THREATS AVERTED

**SIMON COWELL STORMS FROM THE COURTROOM TO SKEWER OTHER UNSUSPECTING PERSONS.**

DOCTOR: I don't think that was Simon Cowell.

VALEYARD: On what do you base this assumption, Doctor?

DOCTOR: He was too polite.

INQUISITOR: I agree.

VALEYARD: Who was it then?

DOCTOR: Isn't it glaringly obvious? It was Michael Grade in disguise.

**EVERYONE IN THE COURTROOM NODS IN AGREEMENT**

INQUISITOR: Fine, then shall we get on with this sham…er, trial, then?

PERI: Can I leave now? I'm not really supposed to be here.

MEL: I know, I am.

VALEYARD: Oh, yes. The screamer.

MEL: Don't blame me. I didn't write the scripts.

DOCTOR: Michael Grade just left, Mel.

MEL: Damn! I wanted to break his eardrums.

VALEYARD: If you run, you can catch him up.

DOCTOR: (groans) Do you really have to talk like that?

VALEYARD: Bite me.

INQUISITOR: Gentlemen, please, the trial?

VALEYARD: What about it?

DOCTOR: It's over. I won.

VALEYARD: When did that happen?

DOCTOR: Just a few moments ago.

**DOCTOR TURNS AND LEAVES COURTROOM WITH HIS COMPANIONS.  
**


	5. More Suprises by Tim

**ANOTHER SURPRISE by Tim**

INQUISITOR: Well, what now?

VALEYARD: Don't ask me? Maybe we should get the Doctor and the others back?

(suddenly, the door opens and Donald Trump enters)

INQUISITOR AND VALEYARD: The Donald?

(Donald Trump stops in front of both of them and utters the words feared by many)

DONALD: You're fired!


	6. It Just Doesn't Make Sense by Me

**IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE ****by Margaret Price**

**EVERYONE IN THE COURTROOM STARES AT DONALD TRUMP**

INQUISITOR: Would someone please remove this interloper so we can get on with this?

THE DONALD: Interloper! Humph!

DOCTOR: (rolls eyes) While I was away, I engaged a new attorney.

VALEYARD: Doctor, you didn't have an attorney to begin with. And this is a British show. You're supposed to say Solicitor.

DOCTOR: I was a Solicitor once.

VALEYARD: No, Colin Baker was a Solicitor once.

DOCTOR: Picky, picky.

INQUISITOR: Who is your new legal representative, Doctor?

DOCTOR: Oh, very PC, Madam Inquisitor. (Holds are hand.) My new attorney is Johnny Cochran.

**EVERYONE IN THE COURTROOM GASPS. THE VALEYARD GOGGLES. **

**JOHNNY COCHRAN ENTERS SURROUNDED BY HIS ENTOURAGE.**

JOHNNY COCHRAN: If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.

INQUISITOR: Yes, thank you, Mr. Cochran.

JOHNNY COCHRAN: The Defense rests.

DOCTOR: What! We've scarcely even started yet.

JOHNNY COCHRAN: You got my best line.

THE DONALD: You're fired.


	7. Return Of The Idol by Tim

**RETURN OF THE IDOL by Tim**

(Simon Cowell re-enters the courtroom)

The Donald: Simon.

Simon: Donald.

(Simon turns and looks around)

Simon: I can't believe this farce is continuing. This is dreadful!

The Donald: Tell me about it.

(Simon turns to the Doctor)

Simon: What the hell are you wearing? Did you wash out of clown college?

(Simon turns to Mel)

Simon: You are the most dreadful actress I've ever seen. I've seen better acting from a George Romero zombie!

(Simon turns to Peri)

Simon: That is the worst American accent I've ever heard! You should request a refund from your acting teacher!

(Simon turns to the Valeyard)

Simon: Hmmmmm, you're dressed all in black. You have good taste in clothes, I must say!


	8. Simon says, AAAAGH! by Me

AUTHOR'S NOTE: At the risk of offending the people who love the show, I have never been able to sit through a single episode of "American Idol." Not even when one of the contestants was from my hometown.

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SIMON SAYS "AAAAAGH!" by Margaret Price

**THE MASTER ENTERS THE COURTROOM, PULLS OUT HIS TCE AND BLASTS SIMON. **

**EVERY KNOWN CONTESTANT OF AMERICAN IDOL ERUPTS INTO WILD APPLAUSE. **

**THE MASTER TAKES A BOW.**

MASTER: Somebody had to do it. Everyone knows that **_I_** look better in black than anyone.

DOCTOR: For once, I approve of you actions.

MASTER: He was starting to give evil a bad name.

VALEYARD: Is that possible?

MASTER: Have you ever seen "American Idol?"

VALEYARD: I don't watch that wank.

DOCTOR: At least you've retained _some_ taste as a future version of me.

VALEYARD: You're not supposed to know that yet.

DOCTOR: (Holds up cheap cardboard imitation of the TARDIS) I've already watched the videos. Very enlightening.

VALEYARD: That's cheating!

MASTER: Doctor, I'm suitably impressed.

DOCTOR: Thank you.

MEL: So what next?

DOCTOR: I suggest we skip over the boring bits and get to best part.

INQUISITOR: There's a best part?

DOCTOR: (considers) I'm sure there must be one somewhere. Perhaps we can fast forward through the—

**GLITZ RETURNS TO THE COURTROOM**

GLITZ: Are you lot still at it?

INQUISITOR: We'll never get this finished with all these interruptions.

GLITZ: It's almost ten o'clock, y'know?

**THERE IS A COLLECTIVE GROAN FROM ALL PRESENT**

THE DONALD: What difference does that make?

DOCTOR: The BBC turns the lights off at ten o'clock whether we've finished or not.

THE DONALD: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

DOCTOR: That's low budget television for you.

THE DONALD: Then how about dinner? My treat.

INQUISITOR: Court is adjourned until someone can figure out how to get this story back on track.

**EVERYONE EXITS THE COURTROOM TO SEE IF THEY CAN MAX OUT THE DONALD'S VISA CARD.**

**-- END WHATEVER DAY THIS IS –**


End file.
